March 4th was my blog's one year anniversary. I meant to write a special post and get all excited, but then *surprise* life got in the way and I forgot. ;) When I remembered, I got to thinking about everything that has happened over the last year.
I started my blog while on a trip to visit my (then) boyfriend (now fiance!) last year. Manny had recently returned from overseas and I drove up to spend my spring break with him. I got to play stay-at-home-girlfriend that week and got a much needed break to think about what was going on in my life. At the time I had my theoretical dream job. I was a graduate assistant athletic trainer with a very prominent college football team. Due to a multitude of factors, it was not a good fit for me and I was miserable. I felt guilty about that because this was supposed to be my dream job. It was everyones dream job. This was the spot that everyone wanted, and I had it. Despite that, I wanted desperately to leave. Even though I was spending the week with the love of my life, I wasn't happy. Of course I was happy to be with him, but I cried, a lot.
When it came time to leave I could hardly bear it. At first glance it's easy to think that I was just a girl who didn't want to leave her boyfriend. But we had just spent 6 months apart, on different continents...apart I could handle. What I couldn't handle was going back to a place where I was miserable every single day. A life where every day I had to force my way out of bed, force myself to get dressed and go to work, and try like hell to be even marginally productive. I was in hell.
The afternoon I had to leave, after stalling for as long as humanly possible, Manny walked me to my car. He asked me to please consider moving to Ohio. I asked if he was serious. He said yes.
This was not the first time this subject had been breached. I had told him so many times how unhappy I was and so many times he had said "Why don't you just quit?". My best friend had asked the same question. I gave both of them the same answer. "I can't. You don't understand.". But they did understand. What they didn't understand was why I wouldn't even consider the possibility of getting myself out of this situation.
One the drive home I started thinking about what Manny had asked. I had never actually considered the possibility of leaving. I had always thought people who left were weak, they just couldn't handle it. I was always the one who could handle it. I was tougher than them, right? I realized then that it's not about toughness, not about weakness. It's about being happy with your life and where it's going. It's about being selfish, just for a minute, to consider your own happiness and what you want.
I decided on that eight hour drive to leave my graduate program and move to Ohio. That was the easy part, deciding to leave. The part that came after was the hard part. The following months were some of the most difficult I've ever faced. Some very important people disagreed very strongly with my decision, and that was extremely difficult. But I knew it was the right decision, for me.
I love my life now. I love my job, I love my house, my dog, and my fiance. I am in such a better place mentally and emotionally than I was a year ago. I know there are some who still think I made the wrong decision and that's ok. I am happy, I love my life, and I definitely made the right decision,